Despite the advantage of NOT being endorsed by The Macon Telegraph, radio host Kenny Burgamy was unsuccessful in defeating Democratic mayoral candidate Jack Ellis for Mayor of Macon in the Tuesday election. Burgamy received 35 write-in votes to Ellis' 2,439 votes.

"For a campaign budget of zero, I think 35 is an impressive total for a stealth campaign," Burgamy said. "I think I got 90% of the Republicans in town to vote for me. If the rest were able to write and spell my name, the total would have been higher."

In the Kids Voting tally, Burgamy did better. Burgamy received 102 votes for mayor to 97 for Ellis. However, both candidates were soundly defeated by Geodude, the popular Pokemon character, who received 3,459 votes.

"I think that speaks volumes for the future of Macon. I'll be a viable candidate in 15 years or so as long as Geodude doesn't live here," Burgamy said. "Perhaps by then, the community would have grown up and realized that it's OK to vote Republican, at least when the candidate is a swell guy like me."

ATLANTA - Gov. Roy Barnes declared the top priority in education to be automated data collection for tracking students from kindergarten through college. "Of all my number-1 priorities, that should be in the top ten," Barnes told a core group of his Education Reform Commission. "If we want to control these whipper-snappers, we have to have dirt on them."

The system could help officials determine students' preferred colors, musical bands, and birth control methods as well as the impact of moon phases and zodiac signs by providing data on everything about the students' life, Barnes said. "And if it doesn't work, at least we'll have some juicy info and we'll employ numerous programmers and analysts."

State officials - including then-legislator Barnes - spent about $90 million in the late '80s attempting to develop a similar system.

"The long and short of it is: We spent $90 million and we have squat to show for it," said Tom Wagfinger, deputy director of the state Office of Planning and Budget. "I'm really optimistic that another 100 million will give us something useful."

Barnes said a student information system should be "much easier" to develop through the Internet and computers rather than using paper, abacus and sliderule. "Furthermore, we'll keep mass-marketers and other cyber-parasites busy for years trying to exploit this information gathered at public expense."

Following his LASIK surgery performed live on AM940, radio host Charles Richardson says he can now see things he hadn't noticed before. "I can now see that crooked twitch in Al Gore's eyes," Richardson said. "I'm thinking about leaving the Democratic party. Been there, done that. But I don't want to be a Republican. Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent. I think I'll check out the Libertarian party."

During the surgery while Richardson was under the influence of Valium and other truth-inducing drugs, radio host Kenny B questioned Richardson at length on his REAL views on politics. Asked about President Clinton, Richardson replied, "Lying, womanizing weenie---I'm ashamed to say I voted for him." On Al Gore, Richardson said, "Wooden weenie---what a loser!" On Mayor Jim Marshall, Richardson said, "Who?" Richardson then went delirious quoting Albert Einstein and Ronald Reagan, "The most complex thing in the universe is the income tax," ..."Big Government can't solve our problems...Big Government is the problem..."

Confronted with these remarks on tape following his surgery, Richardson admitted that he didn't want to remain in the party of big government weenies. He's seen the light and is now soul-searching and considering his options.

Local political expert, Ben Buggywhip, was asked to elaborate on the stealth maneuvers potentially rocking Macon politics. "I wouldn't go so far as to call the Mayor's hatchet job on Mike Cranford a 'stealth' move or surprising. We all knew the lame duck was a snake in the grass. We all know that Democratic turnout will be low since they think Jack Ellis is a done deal. If it's below the average 0.35% and if Burgamy can get both his friends and some of his family to write him in for mayor, he could win it," Buggywhip said.

Radio host Kenny Burgamy has long been known for newspaper-welfare and sports-ticket-welfare, meaning that he won't pay for those items and he tries all means available to get them for free. With the Macon Telegraph's story on the confusion about which day to observe Halloween, Burgamy has decided he'll try candy welfare, too.

"I just couldn't pass up a chance like this. I can be in Hawkinsville Friday and then make the rest of central Georgia Saturday and Sunday. I figure I can get about 6 months worth of candy if I work hard both nights," Burgamy said. "I really hate it that I missed my chance for Perry on Thursday. I think I'll call the Perry mayor about that. We need more notice up here in Macon on when Perry will be giving out the candy."

Burgamy says that age is a relative thing for trick-or-treating. "But just in case I get any hassles, I'll take my little girl along. I won't let her eat much because it's not healthy for her teeth, but she'll have fun. I don't mind sharing a little with her, but Charles Richardson better keep his paws off my candy jar in the studio," Burgamy said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins